Courage

     Today I'm going to write about happiness.  Namely, happiness in the workplace.  Namely, what makes me happy in the workplace.  And I guess that branches out into the rest of life.  And I guess I still don't know, yet.  
     I've felt unsettled for a time.  Well... More like several years.  My current position I just sort of fell into.  Mind you, it's a great position and pays well, but as times goes by I see more and more that it is not what I want to do with my life. It does not make me happy.  We did a DiSC survey in our last staff meeting that categorizes everyone and how we work and how we work with each other, and I found that my categorization is pretty directly opposite to my job title.  Translation: who I am and my personality is, like, NOT suited to my current position at all.  
     This only confirmed what I had been thinking for a while.  That feeling of lingering restlessness and distress.  I don't want to be like that Pink Floyd song - "hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way" - life is too short, and I've felt like that for too much of my life, already.  As long as I can remember I've just been hanging on, trying desperately to be ok with my situation.  It's a good situation, I shouldn't complain - who am I to complain!?  But the simple fact is that the situation doesn't make me happy.  And I deserve to be happy, right? 
      I think that's the toughest part for me to wrap my brain around.  I deserve to be happy.  This is kind of a brand new concept for me.  And with the realization of this concept, I've had to take a couple steps back and look at my life.  It's pretty good.  I'm pretty happy.  Except I never seem to have to the time for what I really want to do.  I have very little time at home to spend with my loving, wonderful, adoring husband and our fluffy kin (1-5 hours on average a night, including chores and homework... so really between 1-3 hours).  Not enough time with family and friends, and no time for just me, to take care of myself.  And my health is suffering.  I'm tired all the time and I've been getting these pounding headaches every day (an occurrence that used to happen once a year, if I was lucky).  My immune system has been weakened - I've gotten sick twice in the past three months (also a yearly occurrence, previously).  So my physical self is trying to slow me down, too. 
    Quite frankly, though, the things necessary to do what I want to do really scare me.  It would involve big changes and drive and passion and motivation!  So I've been waffling back and forth about that.  What to do, what not to do?  What situation would make me happy?  What can I tweak to make things how they should be?  Then a couple days ago I got this in my email from the meditation society that sends me inspirational quotes from time to time:

To find out what you love to do demands a great deal of intelligence; because, if you are afraid of not being able to earn a livelihood, or of not fitting into this rotten society, then you will never find out. But, if you are not frightened, if you refuse to be pushed into the groove of tradition by your parents, by your teachers, by the superficial demands of society, then there is a possibility of discovering what it is you really love to do. So, to discover, there must be no fear of not surviving. - Krishnamurti 

     Damn.  
     That's firm.  There's no if's and's or but's about it.  Just do it.
But there's still the fear.  What if I give up everything and follow my passion and we lose our house or we don't have enough to eat?  What if Ginge loses his job and then we'll be completely stuck!?  I've come to the realization that it takes a lot of courage to do what you really want to do in life.  It takes more strength to do the things that make your heart sing that to stand still and make do.
     Through all this, my husband has been so amazing.  He's so supportive and loving.  He tells me "whatever you want to do, as long as you're happy.  I just want you to be happy."  What a guy!  He's my rock.
     My dream, my inspiration, is to write.  I would love to take free lance jobs and write from home while keeping down a part time job that would supplement our main income.  I would also love to be a yoga instructor.  It would thrill me more than words to be able to teach and help people - maybe even branch out into message and energy therapy.  To be able to touch people's lives in a profound way...  That would just be amazing.  But that takes courage.  It takes courage to let go and let God, as the saying goes.  To trust that Someone will catch you if you fall, but that you must dance anyway.
     So slowly by slowly I'm figuring it out and steeling myself.  Because I don't just want to do this.  I need to do this.